I’m thinking of a friend who just lost his best friend (of the canine variety) and other friends who have recently lost parents. I’ve recently suffered the loss of a relationship and am respecting my need to grieve that loss. We must honor the need to grieve our losses and hold space for others who need to do so. Although I am not Jewish, I’ve always considered the custom of sitting shiva to be ritualized good mental health. The tradition that stems from ancient Mexico of honoring the departed and that lives on today as “Day of the Dead” is ultimately what helped me grieve my own mother, twenty years after her passing.

My mother died when I was twelve. My father, who is by nature not prone to show emotion, did not stop his busy schedule to grieve as a family. We fragmented and each did our best to survive individually. I know this played a role in my subsequent health problems, both mental and physical. My teenage years were fraught with physical symptoms such as constipation, a bout with bulimia, depression, and severe acne. Anger and resentment were my constant companions. I was socially awkward, sensitive and plagued with a sense of not being accepted anywhere. I lacked self-esteem, confidence and initiative. Finally, at the age of 32 after what could be described as an emotional breakdown, it occurred to me to make an altar to honor my mother on November 1 (Day of the Dead), placing on it photos and reminders of her. The crucial part of the process was spending time in meditation with my memory of her, honoring her for the good that I could remember in her. Afterward, I was able to start chipping away at the layers of stuff that had accumulated to create a debilitating depression and put myself on the road to recovery. It was not an easy or quick process. At age 42, the age at which my mother died, I had another crisis and again had to deal with the effects of delayed grieving.

It is essential to allow yourself to pass through the process of grieving at the time of the loss. If you do not, you will inevitably suffer more. Be kind to yourself. There has been a plethora of material written on the stages of grief and it is not my intention to offer a review of the literature here. For those interested in doing further reading on the subject, try The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages by Ruth Davis Konigsberg.

Grief can take a toll on your physical and emotional health. There are physiological and neurological effects. Please do not underestimate the real physical stress grief exerts on the body. It is essential to accept that you have suffered a loss, honor the need to slow down to tend to your physical, emotional and spiritual needs, and not expect yourself to perform at your peak level. Allow yourself to feel. Don’t avoid it with busy-ness. Give yourself alone time if you need it. Spend time with loved ones who can support you.

There are other reasons to go through the grieving process other than experiencing the death of a loved one. Losing a job, a relationship, a home, or even an ideology can force one into the downward spiral of grief. If you are going through any of these, do your best to remember to eat well, drink plenty of water and get out in the sunshine. Please don’t deny yourself the time needed to identify and feel the emotions that you experience. Take hold of them before they take hold of you.